I don't think I ever posted this here. I've since finished the book but loved it so much I figure I'll share the quotes I put up so that maybe other people will find this book and the author's other book which IS the funniest book I've ever read.
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I'm in the middle of reading SCREENING PARTY by Dennis Hensley, who's the author of my favorite book ever, MISADVENTURES IN THE (213). Which is the funniest book ever.
This book is basically him and his friends watching movies and making catty comments about what's going on. There's also bits about their life, but mostly that just works in to whatever movie they are watching. Each chapter was basically an article in British Premiere that he wrote monthly and then assembled into a book.
I'm enjoying the hell out of this book and thought I'd share a few moments (ok, a BUNCH of moments):
JAWS
"It's hard for me to remember what happens in JAWS," admits Tony, "because the first porno I ever saw was called GUMS, which was about a mermaid who sucked off guys in the ocean until their dicks fell off. My best friend's older brother had a tape of it. Every once in a while, an image will pop into my head and I won't know if it's JAWS or GUMS."
"And you knew Alex was a goner as soon as he was given a name and a couple of lines," figures Ross. "Jaws won't eat extras, but day players might as well have LUNCH tattooed on their rafts."
"Dreyfuss looks so young," I marvel, "like a little elf with those muttonchops. I bet he lives in a hollow tree."
"Lorraine Gary is so emasculating in this scene," observes Dr. Beaverman as Dreyfuss gets hammered while sitting with the Brodys at their dinner table. "I'm surprised she doesn't turn to Dreyfuss and say 'Last night, Martin couldn't get aroused. More wine, Matt?'"
"A lot of this footage is actually a real shark," says Ross as Jaws repeatedly tried to eat Dreyfuss through the bars. "But because the shark wasn't as big as Jaws is supposed to be, they used a smaller cage and stuck a midget in there. The same guy who doubled for Elizabeth Taylor in NATIONAL VELVET."
"He must have figured if Liz didn't eat him, the shark wouldn't," says Tony.
ST. ELMOS FIRE
When the camera pulls away from him, Tony notices something peculiar about our gang's cherished watering hole.
"All the customers are men," he says, "St. Elmo's is a gay bar!"
"St. Homo's Fire," mutters Lauren, who's had so many straight things turn out gay in her life, she's not even fazed anymore.
"I told you it was a gay bar," says Tony when the boys leave the bathroom and return to the bar. "Judd Nelson is kissing a guy." We look closer. "Oh, nevermind, it's Ally Sheedy."
Mare is still pissed at Rob in the next scene, in which the gang shows up at St. Elmo's Fire on Halloween night sporting Groucho Marx-style nose glasses.
"This is the one night a year where Judd Nelson feels normal," says Tony.
"I bet you culd hear that cherry pop clear back at the frat house," I saw are Mare surrenders herself to Rob.
TAXI DRIVER
"I didn't know porno theaters had concession stands," says Lauren as DeNiro picks up some snacks for the movie.
"I'd like a small popcorn and a medium Pocket Pussy, please," says Tony.
"Would you like a large for a quarter more?" asks Marcus.
"And her dress is a total LSD hallucination," says Tony. "I mean, Shirley Jones looked at that and went 'No fucking way.'"
"I called Betsy again in her office," DeNiro says wistfully, "and she said maybe we'd go to a movie together...Besty, Betsy, oh no, Betsy what? I forgot to ask her name..."
"Wetsy," says Dr. Beaverman. "That was too easy."
"Miss Wetsy if you're nasty," says Lauren.
"How does she not get busted?" wonders Tony about Jodie Foster. "It seems to me that anyone could see Jodie Foster wearing a hat like that and immediately make a citizen's arrest. She looks like Rose Kennedy in the Hamptons."
"Is it Friday? 'Cause this sure is Freaky," says Marcus.
"Is it just my MTV generation attention deficit disorder, or do these scenes go on forever?" I ask.
"With Travis Bickle, there is no gray area."
"Except for that skin," says Tony. "He's taking all this time to get in shape and he won't take a few minutes to go to the fake-and-bake? I could give him a coupon."
When the videotape messes up in the machine:
"You should get your money back, Dennis," says Lauren. "Just say the movie was unwatchable."
"Well, they know that already," says Tony. "Cybill Shepherd's in it."
"What's with all the diner scenes in '70's movies?" I say. "It must have been impossible to get a decent patty melt back then without having to jump over cables and sign a release."
"And those sunglasses on Jodie," groans Tony. "She looks like she's going to burst into 'Crocodile Rock' any second."
"Tony why do you hate Cybill so much?" I ask, finally sticking up for the singer-actress-pitchwoman.
"I hate anyone who insists on singing their own sitcom theme song," he states simply, as if it's the most logical explanation in the world. "If Kelsey Grammer and Linda Lavin were in this movie, I'd be gunning for them, too."
PRETTY WOMAN
"She looks like the Captain and Tennille rolled into one unfortunate person," says Lauren.
"What every john wants," says Tony, "a theme skank."
"Men don't ask women for directions," says Dr. Beaverman. "That's one of our first indications that this is a fantasy."
"And I'm sorry," says Ross, "but there are no whores on Hollywood Boulevard who look like Julia Roberts."
"Sure there are," argues Tony. "But they're men."
While Julia waits on the curb to catch a cab back to Hookerville, Richard approaches her and says, "If you don't have any prior engagements, I would be very pleased if you would accompany me into the hotel."
"Well, I'm gonna miss the free needle exchange, but what the hell," I say, speaking for Julia.
Whore in tow, Gere approaches the front desk and says, "Can you send up some champagne and strawberries?"
"And some extra-strength disinfectant and a two-pack of Brillo pads," adds Ross, "because someone is getting a SILKWOOD shower."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Julia asks.
"No," says Richard.
"Do you want to fuck my tits, then?" says Tony.
They arrive at a swanky boutique where Richard is greeted by Larry Miller, the veteran character actor and comedian who was anally penetrated by a giant gerbil in NUTTY PROFESSOR 2. Coincidence? You decide."
"If MARY REILLY had had a 'Julia tries on clothes' montage, it would have been a hit," figures Lauren. "Of course, she would have tried on 20 of the same frumpy black frock."
Jason crosses the field to Julia and says "Quite a nice change from Hollywood Boulevard. Maybe you and I could get together."
This pisses off Julia to no end, though none of us can figure out why. "All of a sudden she's sensitive about her hookerness?" says Ross.
"She should be giving out business cards," says Lauren. "This crowd is the networking opportunity of a lifetime."
Later, back at the Reg Bev Wil, Julia rips into Richard for telling Jason she's a hooker. "I hate to point out the obvious," Richard spits back, "but you are, in fact, a hooker."
My living room, save Marcus who's cutting the cake, erupts in applause. "I'm so glad that he calls her on her shit here," I say.
"Totally," says Tony. "I'd be like, 'Did my check bounce, Vivian? OK then, shut the fuck up.'"
Somehow the two of them make up, I'm not really sure how because Tony and I are too busy fantasizing about what Julia's conferences with her high school guidance counselor must have been like.
"Your aptitude test shows that you'd be good at rimming," says Tony, taking on the ton of my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Grandstaff.
"But stay away from triple penetrations because you scored low on multitasking," I add.
We spend the next few minutes inserting the word "fucking" into the names of well loved Disney characters. Our top laugh-getters: Tinkerfuckingbell, Cruella DeFuckingVille. Mufuckinglan, and my personal favorite, Annette Funifuckingcello.
9 1/2 WEEKS
"Dr. Beaverman can't understand a word Mickey's saying," says Dr. Beaverman. "He's so whispery, it's amazing we're not seeing a boom mike."
"Maybe she's sitting on it," I say.
"I bet if we pressed the closed captioning button, it would say, 'We have no idea, folks. Be glad you're deaf,'" figures Tony.
As Mickey starts to dollop honey on Kim's tongue and Tony predicts that Kim's going to have "a honey of an O," I can't help but wish there were more clever product placements. "Like why can't she touch up her bikini wax with a Chiquita label?" I suggest.
"I bet I know what she'd do for a Klondike bar," says Tony. "But where the hell are you gonna find a goat in Manhattan?"
We restart the movie to find Kim, more sex-addled and lethargic than ever, louging on Mickey's bed with a remote control in her hand.
"She's looking at that thing going 'I haven't had sex with one of these before,'" says Ross.
"Her world will forever be divided into two parts," I say. "Objects she can have sex with and objects she can't."
"Will Fit and Won't Fit," simplifies Tony.
"This music selection is called 'Unsafe Sex in E Minor,'" says Tony. "In case anyone's interested."
I decide I've had about all I can take of Mickey's colorless apartment. "He's like Mr. Monochrome Man," I complain. "If she showed up in a yellow sundress, I bet he'd beat the shit out of her."
"Maybe color could be her weapon," proposes Lauren. "Like she could go, 'I've got a lime-green handkerchief in my purse, asshole, and I'm not afraid to use it."
"Or drop a half-pound bag of M&M's on the floor," says Tony. "Mickey would literally just melt like the Wicked Witch of the West."
"Isn't Rita Moreno one of the only performers to win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy and an Emmy," I ask.
"I think so," says Marcus, "and they are all Will Fits except the Emmy."
THE SOUND OF MUSIC
"Are nuns allowed to dance?" I ask.
"Yes," says Lauren, 'as long as they don't use jazz hands."
The pranks continue at the dinner table when Maria learns, the hard way, that one of the brats put a pinecone on her chair. "All this time she's been saving herself for God," says Tony, as Julie removes the prickly annoyance and takes a seat, "and she loses her cherry to a pinecone."
In fact, when Maria tells her she thinks the militaristic manner in whice the Captain runs his house is "so wrong," Frau Schmidt just sighs and says, "Ah well." "Frau Schmidt is so 'not my department,'" I say, "and I love her for it."
"Totally," says Tony. "The Captain could be shooting porn movies with the kids, a few goats, and his wife's dead body and she'd dodder in and be like 'Would anyone care for some tea?'"
When Maria returns to the Von Trapp mansion, the first thing she learns is that the Captain and the Baroness are engaged. "She's thinking, Wait a minute! I broke up with God for this?" says Tony.
"Meanwhile, the Baroness must want to say, 'Maria, isn't it about time for your reprise of "So Long, Farewell"?'" says Lauren.
"Totally," agrees Tony. "She's looking into the orchestra pit going, 'Take it from the coda, boys. Five, six, seven, eight...'"
"I want there to be a shot of her putting on brass knuckels and saying 'I know how to solve a problem like Maria,'" I say.
FLASHDANCE
"Hannah's just there to die," says Ross. "She's the Obi-Wan Kenobi of FLASHDANCE."
"I want Michael Nouri to look around and go, 'Maybe if you got a one bedroom apartment like a normal person, you wouldn't have to work two jobs,'" says Lauren.
"While driving her to the bedroom in a forklift," I add.
ARMAGEDDON
Before you know it, Bruce and Liv are being whisked off to NASA, where Billy Bob explains that the country needs Bruce to save the world. "This is a man who can't even save Planet Hollywood," says Dr. Beaverman. "And somehow they expect him to save Planet Earth."
"Is it just my ethnic bias, or does Liv look like a hostess at PF Changs?" says Lauren, referring to the ingenue's Pan-Asian dress and hairstyle. "I keep waiting for her to hand Billy Bob a menu."
Left alone, Bruce reaches for the detonator, which, surprisingly, is so crude looking it appears to have been made by Fisher-Price. "Baby's First Nuke," says Ross.